From Bystander to Ally

8 min readSep 1, 2021

Because anti-racist isn’t just something you are. It’s something you do.

Like Android: Be together, not the same.

Amid the agony of Afghanistan; the apocalypse of Delta variant cases overwhelming hospitals and medical professionals; raging wildfires and paradoxically equally raging floods, we cannot lose sight of the menace of systemic racism. While racism is not unique to America, the American variant of it is uniquely dangerous to us all. It is intertwined with nationalism, Republicanism, and the perversion of public health, public safety, and public education. This ugly synergy makes all of the current political, medical, and environmental disasters even more treacherous.

This discussion attempts to lay the groundwork to acknowledge the reality of racism without defensiveness; understand the effects of it and the white privilege it creates at the system level; and take action to counter it every where and all the time. An imperfect effort no doubt, and I will incorporate constructive comment and continue to improve it going forward.

The most important thing to know: ending racism is our job, white people. Our Black colleagues, friends, and family members do not owe it to us to do it themselves, help us, or approve of our efforts. Racism is as old as America. Let’s do our job. Let’s end racism.

Systemic Racism — You Know What It Is, Here’s a Reminder

Racial prejudice is a belief that certain types of people are inherently better than other types of people, based on their skin color.

Racial bigotry is when prejudiced thoughts and feelings spill over into a more severe mindset and are often accompanied by discriminatory behavior.

Racism is when these beliefs are widespread and built into the way we interact with one another.

It is inherently systemic. Racial inequity is perpetuated by “written and unwritten laws, rules, procedures, processes, regulations, and guidelines that govern people,” says author of How to Be an Antiracist and thought leader Dr. Ibram X. Kendi.

Systemic Racism Affects…

What we see: In the top 100 films of 2019, 4.5% of speaking characters were Latino or Hispanic, compared to 18% of the population. (1)(1a)

Where we work: Executive management positions are predominantly held by White men — only 3.2% of executives are Black. (2)

How we live: While 12.6% of the US population lives in neighborhoods with no majority, only 7.2% of the nation’s White residents live in these neighborhoods compared to 20.3% of Black residents. (3)

What creates risk and impact: A study of 100 million traffic stops concluded that Black drivers are 20% more likely to get pulled over than White drivers. (4)

White Privilege is a Thing

It does not mean that white people do not experience hardship.
It does mean that hardship is not influenced by skin color.
White people are seldom aware of it, since it surrounds us like air.

How White Privilege influences everyday life to mitigate factors of risk and impact.

Allies use their privilege to center and affirm people of color.

Make a difference. Can I? Can Anyone?

Yes. Behaviors can change people. People can change systems. What can you do right now?

1. Acknowledge Reality. When we open our eyes to the barriers our colleagues, friends, and families face, we are able to validate their experiences and confront the problem.

2. Check yourself at the door. White fragility is unattractive. Stop being defensive about attitudes or behaviors that you may not know you have. Accept feedback. Learn. Grow.

3. Be authentic. Do it because it’s the right thing, not because you want to look good at work or impress your friends of any color. Be the person you want to see in the mirror.

4. Pay attention. Notice group dynamics; who speaks the most; who gets assignments. Are people of color excluded? Do team members talk over or ignore their input?

5. Be responsible. If people of color aren’t included, ask why. Seek their input in meetings. Learn and use inclusive meeting methods. Validate and affirm their contributions.

6. Model resilience. Don’t expect gratitude, get discouraged, or give up. You are doing this because it’s the right thing, not for a reward. Think long term and make a difference.

7. Counter microaggressions. They take the air out of the room and leave our colleagues feeling attacked and at risk. Learn to respond when you see it happening — whether a person of color is there to experience it or not.

The Not-so-Easy Part: Confronting Microaggression (5)

There are 3 basic classes of microaggression:

Assault — explicit verbal or non-verbal attacks meant to hurt the intended victim, e.g., name-calling, using hateful symbols, avoiding (such as moving your seat).
Insult — Subtle snubs, such as asking persons of color how they got their jobs; directing interactions at white subordinates; or questioning hair/clothing at work.
Invalidation — complimenting American-born individuals on their speech; saying “I don’t see color;” or “Everyone can succeed if they work hard enough.”

If these behaviors seem familiar, they should be. We see them every day at work, when travelling, at restaurants, and in stores. They make us all uncomfortable — or they should. Make it part of your job to counter these unpleasant attacks when they occur.

And now, pay attention to how Dulé Hill and James Roday Rodriguez raise and trash a hate symbol.

This is for all of us Psychos out there.

Speaking of Hate Symbols

Shawn: “What’s Wrong with this Flag?” (Pointing at Confederate Flag)

Gus: “Everything.”

Shawn: “Besides that.”

What Can You Do? What Should You Do?

There are three main ways to respond (6)

Let it go. Historically, the default response. But silence equals consent and if you don’t speak up, it appears that you agree.
Respond immediately. Call it out, and you may make your point. But making the other person defensive could backfire.
Respond later. Allows a more reflective response, but the person could have moved on and just dismisses the incident as over.

Note: The Harvard Business Review article cited gives advice intended for people of color. This advice is even more important to us as allies. Remember, racism is our problem.

A Framework for Responding from Harvard Business Review (7)

Discern How important is this issue to you? How do you feel about responding? How do you want to be perceived now and in the future? This thought process is the basis of how you decide to respond.

Disarm Invite the person to experience how you felt — that it might get uncomfortable to discuss the situation but the words/actions were uncomfortable for you.

Defy Challenge the person to clarify the intent. Ask “What did you mean by that?” Explain the impact of the event. Acknowledge their willingness to clarify intent; reinforce your willingness to articulate impact.

Decide You control what this incident will mean for your life and your work — what you will take from the interaction and what you let it to take from you.

+Allyship Respond immediately by countering. Disagree with the statement and/or action. Be clear that racism does not reflect your beliefs, and it is not welcome in your presence.

Real-Life Case Study

Scene: Sunday afternoon, grandparents walking with a little girl in a mostly deserted downtown city. I’m with a client, in town for a meeting , and we’re looking for a parking spot near a restaurant where we’re meeting colleagues.

Client: I hate to see that.

Me: I know! That little girl is WAY too close to the street. She could get hit so easily!

Client: No, I mean mixed races — that little girl is black, and the couple is white.

Me: Oh. In my family, we don’t feel like that, and I’m not okay with hearing it.

Client: Oh. Okay… Ready for tomorrow’s meeting?

My decision was to disagree in a disarming way. We went on to have a pleasant dinner, a good meeting , and a cordial working relationship for several more years, with no more comments about race. I know — it doesn’t mean she didn’t say anything again, just not around me.

And, it’s going to take a lot more than that to end racism. It’s going to take hard work: changing long-held beliefs, changing institutions, and changing laws. But what if there were more people willing to say that? What if we all said we’re not willing to hear/see that kind of attitude? What if there were nowhere else left to say or do those things? It would be different, wouldn’t it?

The Bottom Line

Systemic racism hurts — people, society, ourselves. All the time, and everywhere.
We can be allies with awareness and respond from a basis of purpose:

— To counter racist remarks and aggressions with decisive disagreement.

— To center people of color with inclusive words and actions.

Allowing microaggressions to go unchecked encourages individuals to feel everyone believes the way they do. Countering racist statements? Tells them they’re alone in that feeling when they’re with you. How much difference will it make? Maybe not as much as we hope.

But every difference makes a difference. Maybe not today but if more of us are willing to stand up instead of standing by, we will make a difference together.